And you thought Vegemite was Salty (Week One in Australia)
Let me get one thing straight.
Just because the national language of two different countries is English, they are not the same country.
Case in point;
“Sir, would you like some chips with your burger”
“Chips… no thanks I’ll take fries instead.”
As if my obnoxiously loud Hawaiin shirt, entirely too short khaki pants, and sock/sandal combination weren’t enough to alarmingly declare me as a tourist, my lackadaisical command of the colloquial language which I originally, so proud of, had let me down again.
For example, the statement “Wow, my fanny sure hurts from sitting in the stands at the [insert national football league team here] game and rooting all day!” may seem innocuous and even appropriate to say at your local church going event. But trust me, say that at your local aussie gathering and be prepared to tarred, feathered, and possibly excommunicated based on the prestige of your local audience.
Example part two; although you may not be able to tell from this blog post alone, I am in fact a male. If I told you I brought a thong along with me, as I find that particular piece of apparel both comfortable and easy to don, you might look at me quizzically. (And that’s putting it lightly.)
In Australia, a thong is a pair of flip flops. Not quite as risque as one would most likely assume from the previous statement. 9760 miles between Washington DC and Sydney, fourteen timezones, and enough salt to make Vegemite seem mild, can do that.
In short; it’s Australia, they speak English, but I’m still trying to mesh with a language I already speak, and we’re still on week one. It’s kind of exciting what week two will hold.
Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegemite
A humorous spoof of FarhanK’s ridiculous Illuminati videos.
….I shouldn’t say that too loud. Their watching.
Try and watch this video for less than 10 seconds. TRY IT. YOU CAN’T TURN IT OFF.
Awkward 101: How to Recover when you Accidently Greet a Total Stranger
We’ve all had those instances. Where you go to give your comrade a clasp on the back, a cordial greeting, or where you’re simply trying to recognize their greatness and congratulate them on being alive.
That is, until you’ve waved, called to, or otherwise greeted the absolute wrong person.
You know, when your buddy Joe is actually a Pizza Hut delivery guy. Frank is actually just another anonymous college student. And Jerry, who seriously needs to get a haircut and a shave, is actually just a testosterone filled woman street vendor, with poor hygenic inclination.
Situations that make this seem relatively unawkard
Here are a few ways to get you through awkward greetings.
1. Forcefully tell them that in order to curb your violent tendency’s towards total strangers, your therapist told you that you had to greet everybody that walked by you today. Ask them sternly if it’s working.
2. Continue aggressively waving and greeting them. A lackadaisical look on your face doesn’t hurt either. Feigning a mental illness isn’t worse than being caught in an awkward position right?
3. Offer to sell them health insurance. Everyone loves to be offered a good deal on health insurance.
4. Make a comparison between them and Rosie O’Donnell. You know, because Rosie is amorphous enough where pretty much anyone can be compared to her.
5. Shout “This isn’t where I parked my car!” Doesn’t pertain to well, but that will get you out of pretty much anything.
None of them will probably work - but hey, you’ll have a lot more interesting of a story then simply “So yesterday I thought you were someone else!”
I don’t normally post music… but this is a pretty damn impressive rendition of Kanye West’s “All of the Lights.” I recommend a listen if you want to hear a very unusual yet effective version of a popular rap song.
Cinco de Mayo - When Drunken White People Attempt to Respect Hispanic Culture
And as the circumferential spinning of our globe would have it, Cinco de Mayo has finally come back to us - and what a glorious day it is.
They day when Americans can gather, celebrate Mexican independence (?), drink authentic Mexican beer, and partake in the general revelry that is Hispanic-American culture. Right?
Or, it’s the one day of the year that non-Hispanic Americans have to extend, at least partially, a bit of common graciousness to the day labors loitering outside your local seven-eleven. Or at least offer one of them an extremely low price for one of their Sombreros, so you can show it off to all you’re friends at Jake’s annual “Mexi-Fest” (complete with Tostito’s scoops and Pace’s salsa!)
As people of all races and ages flock to bars loaded with Corona, Dos Equis, and Tecato on tap, we participate in drunken revelry, as common cheers of “Viva le Mexico” fill the dark, jovial room. Jose Cuervo is the man of the hour and “1800” seems to be the year. Oh, and some guy named Patron is coming up a lot, too.
But is this the reason for Cinco de Mayo? Is it simply a Mexican version of 4/20? A contrived reason, an arbitrary date to get drunk?
Well, sort of.
Against common misconception, Cinco de Mayo actually not when Mexico won their independence. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, it was more fittingly the start of when they lost it.
On the Fifth of May, in 1862, the Battle of Puebla took place. Two years after a three year Mexican civil war had finally ended, the Mexican government was struggling, and attempting to establish itself again. Mexico owed large amounts of money to the British, Spanish, and French empires. In order to stop it’s skyrocketing debt, the Mexican government issued a two year “postponement” of paying these debentures. It managed to negotiate this through with the Britain and Spain. France however, decided it wanted it’s money and that it was going to go to war with Mexico over this delayed payment. (Napoleon had to do something since he was so short, right?)
As 8,000 troops marched through the coast of Mexico, they came upon the city of Puebla. After thoroughly defeating the Mexicans in a few skirmishes, French general Charles de Lorencez had grown arrogant. Facing the opposing Meixcan forces lead by Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín, who numbered just over 4,000 troops, equipped with poorer weapons and far less artillery. Lorencez made severel tactical mistakes such as starting bombardment with his artillery too early, and leaving his later charges unsupported. Sequín’s aptitude for command allowed him to take advantage of these mistakes, and soon after, the French were retreating and the valliant Mexicans found themselves victorious.
It was the start of the conflict, and though a heroic victory, the French conquered Mexico and installed a new emperor, Maximillian, several years later.
That’s what actually happened on Cinco de Mayo.
And this is currently what does
But hey, if you see you’re Hispanic looking friend (Hispanic looking, I’m sure you can lump in Philippians, Hawaiians, and indigenous Alaskan’s), make sure you give him a clasp on the back and say “Dang, sure is nice Mexico got it’s freedom!”
(Bonus points if you say it in a country accent, make sure it’s overly exaggerated)
Patriot’s (diminutive) running back Danny Woodhead tries to sell his own jersey’s to unsuspecting customers…
If anybody ever gets into any altercation with you just keep showing them this picture until they stop.
They will stop.
A dissertation on Cleveland Steamers
Dear Professor [Removed for Privacy]
I decided to follow your advice that you gave out in class. Following our discussion of American leaving behind fecal trails in campfires, you mentioned a term which caught my ear, as you made a reference to a “Cleveland Steamer” and made the comment “If you don’t know what it is, go ahead and look it up.” As a fellow scholarly mind would understand, my intrigue was piqued and there was no turning back. I began my search into this topic, and found a path filled with shock, revulsion, agony, curiosity, and illumination.
The earliest references I could find about the Cleveland steamer were urban dictionary posts dating back to the early 2000’s, barely making the smallest hint of a spec on the archaeological record. Tenacious D makes the first popular reference I was able to find in their self-titled album, which was released in 2001. In the song “Rock Your Socks” we find this mysterious term in the lyric “All we’re askin’ you to do is drop trou and squeeze out a Cleveland Steamer on my chest.” [1]
Although bowel movement and other forms of “poop” related jokes have been common throughout the rise of the industrial revolution and dating far prior, they didn’t take off with the wings they currently have until the rise of the internet. With the internet allowing the mass sharing of information, these comments became even more common. Email, video, text messaging, and social media have made once taboo terminology reserved for the most risqué minds accessible in everyday speech. Terms such as “Rusty Trombone,” “Dirty Sanchez,” “Screaming Seagull,” and the cause of this email, the “Cleveland Steamer,” are now commonly used, and surprisingly, these trends are seemingly going up at an alarming rate.
UrbanDictonary.com, the most popular site for these “on the fence” definitions of esoteric excrement related sexual fantasies, among other non-work friendly terms, is only rising, and at an accelerated pace. The NY times reports that the site is expanding at an alarming rate, with over 2000 new posts a day, and reaching 15 million viewers a year, of whom a whopping 80 percent are unique. [2]
So with the staggering popularity of terms such as Cleveland Steamer, we must ask ourselves, what exactly is the elusive Cleveland Steamer? Returning to Urban Dictionary, which seems to be the flagship of all Cleveland Steamer related discussion, one can summarize the multitudes of definitions as such; during sexual intercourse, a male stands over a female, usually in a dominant manner, and proceeds to leave his feces in a streak across her chest, often between the breasts. The sexual act may continue depending on how the users feel, and it is done both with and without the female consent. It is believed that the term Cleveland Steamer arose from the brown streak on the Cleveland Browns helmet, as it corresponds visually with the sexual act.
So, the Cleveland Steamer finds itself in the category of Coprophilia, which is a sexual act where the users get pleasure from feces. [3] The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-IV-TR), it is classified under the section 302.9 Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified and has no specific criteria other than a general statement about paraphilias that says “the diagnosis is made if the behavior, sexual urges, or fantasies cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.”
Now that we know what it is, how exactly does the hallowed Cleveland Steamer pertain to our discussion of archaeology? It seems to be a rather recent development, even the the Coprophila allusions have gone back millennia. After all, not coming into the archaeological record until after 2000 means we have quite awhile before we even have a chance to see it involved in a national historic landmark. Given the difficulty of proving when and where Cleveland Steamers actually occurred, it may be difficult to get a Cleveland Steamer site nationally recognized. Rumors are that such events occurred in Montecello, Mount Vernon, and may have even taken place in pre-clovis societies, although no hard evidence exists to say definitively. It serves as a microcosm of human behavior, and can help us understand how people work.
Alas, although we may not see any results in the Cleveland Steamer research field for quite some time, there is no denying the impact that it had on our race as a whole. We cannot give up. We must work together, as a people, to spread the importance of the Cleveland steamer!
Sincerely,
Sean
PS: I know this probably won’t get me any extra credit, but it’s worth a shot, right?
PPS. Sources follow
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tenacious_D_%28album%29
2. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/05/magazine/05FOB-medium-t.html
3. Corsini, Raymond J. (2002). The Dictionary of Psychology. Philadelphia: Brunner-Routledge. p. 224. ISBN 1583913289. OCLC 48932974.
